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A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
I love a good nap. Sometimes it`s the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
If I cover my phone at work with Preparation H, would it filter out the `pains in the butts` from calling?
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I shurvivfed the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss.
I totally understand how batteries feel because I`m never included in things either
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.
You know you have anger-management issues when you use an entire can of fly spray at point blank range to kill the tinest of moths...
Your silent treatment should be accompanied by a disappearing act.
I`d take a stupid dog over a stupid person any day.
roes are red violets are blue he`s for me not for you if for any chance you`ll take my place i`ll use my fist and smash your face
The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.