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"Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern." ~ Me at McDonald`s on pay day.
I ate gummy bears and didn`t bite off their heads or make screaming noises as they entered my mouth and I think this means I`m an adult now.
Dating should be like buying a car... You should get to talk to the previous owners! SHOW ME THE MANFAX
That moment when you run into a spider web and suddenly become a karate master.
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all ...
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
My mother always used to think that my friends were bad influences. ..I wonder if she`s figured out yet that I was the one coming up with all the ideas? ;)
A gay man is just one colonoscopy away from foreplay
You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called “going commando”? It seems to me it wouldn’t be useful in a combat situation.
I wouldn`t say I`m a stalker so much as I am a covert observation enthusiast.
So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won`t share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is.
I bet the Fantastic 4 were just pretending to have a girl in the group. "Uh yeah she`s just invisible right now. She`s totally real though."
You know you should goto sleep when the sheep you`re counting start hitting the fence.