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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
The bible says you can`t buy your way into heaven but there isn`t a church in the country that won`t encourage you to try.
OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
Twerking is just shaking your a$$? Why did we need a new word? A$$-shaking has served us well for centuries.
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women. Comment "You 3 look incredible!!"
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
When it comes to tantrums, I throw like a girl.
Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
"Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
is currently amending my "Who gets money" list when I win the lottery ... who has something nice to say?
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
They should`ve added "Might lose a lot of sleep" in Facebook`s terms & conditions before signing up.
I`m Outdoorsy, as in I like to get drunk and pass out in the yard....