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All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”
The lyrics for "hush little baby" are basically saying "I will buy you anything if you just shut the hell up"
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
Just once, I`d like to see an honest Facebook status, like "happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!"
They say you need about 2000 calories a day. Ok, time to do math. 65 calories in one fluid ounce of Jack Daniel`s means i need 30 shots tonight.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex.
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
If heat makes things expand, then I don`t have a weight problem ... I am just Hot!
My problem is that all food is comfort food
Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.
I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what the hell is going on.
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.
1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance – My stages of getting ready for work
I refuse to take a single bite of my food until I find something good on TV.