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Why don`t we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?
My door is always open. So please feel free to leave.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
I’m exhausted just thinking of everything I have to do.
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
Have you ever just sat there and realized how weird you are?
I finally figured out how to get rid of that annoying sound in my car. I opened the door and pushed her out!!
Shark week is over, but I`m not taking my decorations down.
Everyday I run into someone who pushes me past the limits of my medication.
It´s not that I hate you, it´s just.. well I´ll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I´d drink it.
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
Dude, I see you are enjoying a cold Bud Light Lime-a-Rita .... I`m going to assume that`s your smart car parked outside.