Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
I have to admit my heart broke a little when I heard the lady at Starbucks call the guy in line behind me "sweetie" too.
If it doesn`t include antidepressants, they shouldn`t call it a Happy Meal.
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Facebook`s list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people I`ve been avoiding my entire life.
I have a PHD (Pretty Huge d*ck)
A cop just pulled me over and said papers - so I said scissors, I win and drove off.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, Iām part of the other 2%
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke break a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.