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They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
Right now I`m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I`ve forgotten this before.
Does a transformer get car insurance or life insurance?
Renewed my "Man Card" today, by going out in the cold, drizzly weather to cut firewood. In other news, police are investigating sightings of a chainsaw wielding maniac in the my area. I hope the catch that nut job!
Today is Valentine’s Day or as I call it… Tuesday.
When I`m happy, I drink and when I drink, I`m happy. Win/Win!!
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
I was planning to do something today, but I haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
Do people with cats not know about dogs?
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Unless you fell off the stairmaster and a barbell fell on your face... no one wants to hear about your workout.
Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Don`t question my laziness