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When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren`t my kids but he`d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
Million Dollar Idea: Hire a bunch of people with OCD and start a cleaning company.
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
Don`t threaten to leave people, surprise them by actually leaving.
We all have that friend who acts innocent but understands all the dirty jokes.
There’s really no reason to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.
Hate to break it to you mom, but my friends do not care if my room is messy, They care whether or not there’s food
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending I’m not excited.
Can I have your number or do you just want the 8 dollars for the drink?
"When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.
There is 2 address we will always know by heart, 1: Our Own, and 2: P. Sherman 42 wallyby way Sydney!
For just 3 cents a day, all of my followers can help me quit my job...
Don`t hate me because I`m beautiful. Hate me because your man thinks I am.