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Falling in love is lot like dying, you never get to do it enough to become good at it.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k ... I don`t think I can run that far
Note to self: Next time, don`t use "continue" as the Safe Word.
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
I don`t live paycheck to paycheck. I live paycheck to four days before paycheck...
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Sorry I`m late, I didnt want to come
Remember bad decisions make the best stories!!!
Pocketwatches were replaced by wristwatches, which became digitalwatches, which were replaced by mobile phones. Which we keep in our pockets
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
Just heard someone pronounce the H in wheel so I`m gonna need a minute
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2) if it does not look like it`s breathing give it mouth-to_mouth
Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
Hey you! Yea you ... Don`t just pass by my status and not say hi.
A roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please."