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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
Person: You`re blocking the view. Me: B!tch, I am the view!
Wine doesn`t have many vitamins. That`s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I`m keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.
You know your a$s is ugly when you`re the one always asked to take the photo.
I`m at the facebook saloon, drinking all night long
I just want to be perfect... Nah just kidding, I love being weird
The push-up bra: the strangely acceptable female equivalent of a rolled up sock stuffed in men`s underwear.
When I see a shoe on the side of the road I wonder if Cinderella is in a nearby house.
"If your reading this, I think your awesome!"
Is food porn star a thing yet??
FACT: There’s always room for another cupcake.
Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn`t agree.
Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? ...Well, tough sh!t, I forgot it.