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I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
There is a huge difference between a hot girl and a girl wearing lesser clothes.
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not as funny when you live by yourself.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
Just knowing that I have successfully pissed you off again makes my day.
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
If there is enough room to spell `bootylicious` on the back of your shorts...it probably isn`t
I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!
Don’t let anyone push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon because that might actually be fun.
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers… carry on.
U.S.A.... where people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.