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My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
Are you reading this from a toilet? I’m writing this from one.
If I tell you I can`t text you because I`m driving it`s only because I`m also eating.
I was feeling down...then all of a sudden I felt myself up. Win, win situation! ;)
Got kicked out of Ziggy`s. " supposably" your not allowed to stand on their scales. Says I broke them. On the brighter side I weigh 135900 grams
Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.
Sometimes you can just tell it`s going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
My therapist says I`m paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I`m scared that it`s closed.
It`s a lot easier to chuck a co-worker in the dumpster than it is to listen to his problems.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
If it lasts 4 hours I`m not only callin a Dr, I`m callin everybody!!
Happy 4th of July ! ... It`s a holiday. You know what that means... Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.