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I told you I was trouble. You should have listened to me instead of staring at my boobs.
The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
I thought I was having deja vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
Patience is not about how long you can wait, but how well you behave while waiting.
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
Have you ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you´ve had?
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
I will be responsible for my actions....when my actions become more responsible.
Stop picking on Justin Bieber. That`s somebody`s daughter.
You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they`re flying too close together?
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?
Beer: The WD40 for conversations.