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To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.
Saw my Ex with some guy at a bar last night... so I ordered a beer, took a few sips then gave her date the rest of my drink... Walked away.
363 shopping days `til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.
I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
Hunting is easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants.
I hate it when my fat makes me look fat.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing & they live for 150 years. Lesson learned
This is my first lame status of the year. Enjoy!
Remember all those times I said "wow, that`s cool!"? What I really meant was, "shut the f*ck up, I hate you."
I`d like to thank Tetris for making me really good at loading my dishwasher.
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart? hmm...
Friends are like slinkys, they are twisted as heck but you can`t help but laugh when they fall down the stairs.
You seem to be very educated on the things you make up.