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When i am bored, i like parking along side the xpressway stick a hair dryer out the window, and watch everyone slam on their brakes.
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around.
If I could bring one dead person back to life I`d bring back Walk Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction..
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
Don`t be ashamed of who you are. That`s your parents job.
For a generation that allowed YOLO, BAE, and KIM KARDASHIAN to happen, you sure have a lot of f*cking opinions on how things should be run.
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
I am not particularly bad at cooking but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster ?
Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.
I don`t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.
Love is like a Hot Pocket: If you rush into it, you`re bound to get burned