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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
So when a couple gets engaged on Facebook for April Fools it`s okay to comment "hahaha" but the rest of the year it`s rude??
Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.
A synonym is a word you use when you can`t remember how to spell the other word.
I`ll just admire you from afar.. Or 500ft. That`s what this paper says.
Why is it called tourist season if we can`t shoot them?
I`ll be posting telepathically today.. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
Today is national I don`t feel like doing sh!t today. Celebrate accordingly.
The hardest part about having a vivid imagination is finding enough things to climb on to avoid all the frickin’ lava on the floor!
Some mornings it`s best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.
I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...
Why don`t they just get Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
Friends who buy you food are friends for life.