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I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.
Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
Boobs: because you can`t suck on a girls personality
Is it wrong to put leftover Halloween candy in their Easter baskets?
The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.
There are 2 types of people in this world, those who press “door close” in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars.
Patience Is When Playing TETRIS And U Let Those Bricks Fall On Their Own Without Speeding Them Down
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
Some of us live thousands of miles away from the majority of our relatives and can`t be with them for the holidays. But don`t be jealous.
Tip of the day: Don`t piss off anyone who has unlimited access to your toothbrush.
I’ve been really depressed these past few days. Finally visited a therapist and got diagnosed. Turns out, I’m poor.
When reality kicks in… add more booze.
You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”