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“I don’t watch tv” proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
Mondays should start at noon.
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
finally joined craigs list. who wants to see my junk?
I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.
I wish my bladder had a snooze button.
Here`s hoping the wind at your back doesn`t come from the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. Happy St. Patrick`s Day!
you know it`s a good fart when it wakes you from a dead sleep and you pull a butt muscle at the same time.
If you`ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you`ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
Just when I think I`m over my insomnia the car behind me honks.
My bedroom is perfect for a one night stand, but there’s no room for two night stands.
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I`m eating.