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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I`m not as smart as I used to be but then again you can`t stay a teenager all of your life.
60% of women fake orgasm.. 100% of men don`t give a sh*t about it..
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
Here Friday Friday...come on...hurry up! Oh no you don`t! You come when I call you damn it! Get your a$$ over here. ... good boy!
One of my biggest fears is that my car secretly records me singing.
I really can’t kick ass, but I’m super good at taking names!
Hey ladies who complain about falling in when we leave the toilet seat up; how about you first check if the runway is there before you bring the plane down.
Her dad said he`d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.
Jehovah`s witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.
The awkward moment when people think you`re drunk when in fact you`re just a blast naturally.
Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?
I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.