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My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
There is a fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
Today would be a great day to leave a note on a random car that says "I know what you did".
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
I’m great at remembering names. I just don’t remember which one’s yours.
Ever met a boring and stable girl who was good in bed? Exactly.
Swans mate for life...in case you were wondering what made them so mean.
it`s friday o clock
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I don’t care how loud I’m laughing, I’m having fun and you’re not.
You know you are desperate for an answer when you look at the second page of Google.
The closest I ever got to murdering is when I held a Oreo cookie in milk until the bubbles stop.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It`s simple. If it`s clean, it`s on the floor. If it`s dirty, it`s on the floor over there.