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I would watch NASCAR if hot wheels designed the tracks.
Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before I go to bed?
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
Are the ATF and border patrols also shutdown? Asking for a Mexican friend....
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
Save your breath ... You`ll need it later to blow up your date.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Why is it when I flush the toilet in the middle of the night, I have a feeling I woke up the entire neighbourhood?
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational post are hard.
I want my children to have all the things I never had so then I can move in with them.
Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook like some caveman.
Not to brag, but, I`ve already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.
Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?