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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
Life is beautiful ...... but Monday`s suck all the way around.
It may look like I’m in deep thought, but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
If you have a dog grooming business and it’s not called “Doggie Style” then something is wrong with you.
Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
We get it poets: things are like other things
I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
Last night I was thrown out of the casino for misunderstanding the use of the Crap table.
If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located
There is no such things as ghosts. I know, I asked Santa Claus