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I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
Note to self: It`s time to grow up, be responsible, and act like an adult. Self to Note: Shut the f*ck up.
“I went to Jared” I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
You look over-medicated. What`s your doctor`s name?
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!
Euphoria....the feeling you get when you finally beat "that" level on Candy Crush.
Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.
It`s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most.
So bored at work I can`t even think of something to goggle
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn`t easy.
In my day we had to roll the windows up and down with our bare hands.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Holy sh!t Karma, how much longer till we`re all squared up?
The only difference between McDonald`s and my work is McDonald`s has only got one clown running the show.