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Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
Your eyes are so beautiful. If you look deep enough i can see my own reflection...
Little to no thought was put into this status.
I got a letter from my crush on Valentine`s Day. Well, technically it`s a restraining order but still....
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
You say mystery bruise, I say drinking badge of honor.
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn`t have hangovers
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.