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I`m still waiting for that fairly tale scene where the animals clean everything for me.
Today I think I`ll go to a public restroom and wait until someone leaves, then click your stopwatch and write something down in a notebook.
If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
It`s so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!
When I`m bored, I dress up as Waldo, walk up to strangers (in a crowded airport), and say "psssst... if ANYBODY asks......YOU ain`t seen me... capiche?"
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
If cats could talk, they`d probably always be correcting your grammar.
Where do all the ice cream men go in winter?
Basically the whole point of Facebook is so you can see if you’re prettier than your ex’s new girlfriend.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon
I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it`s not.
I have read so much about the dangers of drinking and smoking, that i have decided to quit reading
believes saying "hi" with a big smile can brighten anyone´s day ... even those who give you the middle finger for cutting them off in traffic.
I`m going to spend Valentine`s day with my ex.... Box 360