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I got all my Christmas shopping done. Hope everyone likes bunny ears, ornamental grass, and discounted peeps.
Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor`s yard to cut it down is an art.
I`m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.
When I think of a SELFIE, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of...
I was only 6 numbers away from winning the powerball.
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we`re f*cked.
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven`t even seen me in bed yet.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario & how you handled it. Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job
I get very competitive at "All You Can Eat Buffets."
Someone smells like cigarettes and bad decisions.......Oh it`s me? Sorry about that.