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They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
How many "zero likes" do you have to get on Facebook before you realize nobody gives a crap about you
OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
I think for Halloween I am going to go as Karma. Some of you should be worried.
I DON`T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON - Never mind, I found it.
How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?
You know what the cheapest meat is? Deer balls ... They`re under a buck
I really don`t need to be loved.. I would settle for being tolerated. :)
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
Be nice to nerds. You`ll probably be working for them one day
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
There is no one more trustworthy than Clark Kent`s dry cleaner.
If you don`t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!