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Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...
The other day someone told me I could make ice cubes out of leftover wine. I was confused... What is leftover wine?
Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before I go to bed?
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
If there is enough room to spell `bootylicious` on the back of your shorts...it probably isn`t
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
It`s so expensive being a woman. I know because I have financed a few.
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
Male camel toe? Dude that`s just nuts.
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
Never change. Unless you’re an a$$hole. Then you should probably change a little.
I put the “Pro” in Procrastinate.
You`d think the self checkout lanes would have more mirrors.