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Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
Today I gave up procrastination for Lent.
I`m a good singer. Unfortunately I have a bad voice.
I`m a huge fan of screaming "You`re welcome" really loud when people don`t say thank you...
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, `Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car`
Well, I`m really not sure what my spirt animal is but I`m sure it looks like road kill right about now.
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who`s shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
Heat makes things expand. So I don`t have a weight problem...I`m just HOT.
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
A real man should never wave faster than he says the word “hey”
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"
Dear wind, what has my hair ever done to you?