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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
If you watched a person cut a piece of wood, would that be sawed or seen?
I don´t like to think of myself as "Special"... I think I would call me a limited edition.
Some of you are so dumb, I don`t even know how you found the internet.
An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
It`s not really stalking if you don`t catch me doing it.
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
If money can`t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
iPhone 6: For people who don`t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I`m switching to Metric. I would weigh a lot less on the Metric scale.
How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there`s something seriously wrong with Eeyore
Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.