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Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
Met a girl for a first date and quickly found out that her version of "Do you want to go downtown?" is vastly different than mine.
Days are short in December but spending them with family really stretches them out.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom.
I`d like to be poor for a day, because being poor everyday gets to be real annoying after awhile.
Don`t worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
If you don`t take 500 selfies a day, do you even love yourself?
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio.....What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the Earth?