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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
If someone is uncomfortable watching you masturbate they; A. Have intimacy issues B. Are frigid C. Should sit somewhere else on the bus
I feel bad for kids nowadays who can`t get the toys they want because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.
You can`t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I decided I really need to read more. I watch way to much TV ... So I turned on the subtitles.
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
when in Rome get naked ;)
FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers
I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!
Instead of LOL, try SALTS ( smiled a little, then stopped)
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?