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I got up at 7:00 this morning .. lather rinse repeat ... How long do you have to do this for?
Women say they love a man in uniform but when i go clubbing in my McDonalds uniform none of them will talk to me....I`m confused
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
I wish "it`s the thought that counts" worked for housework.
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
I´m on a whisky diet. I´ve lost three days already!
Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year`s resolutions.
Is it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message like looking directly into the sun?
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough
Don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you’re an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.
No need to blind fold me, just hand me my phone and drive, I won`t have a clue how to get back here