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To be truthful from deep down ... I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
Whenever I screw up at work, I`m so glad I`m not a doctor.
If others are jealous, you’re doing something right.
What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
It`s so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
Mission Impossible: Ordering something at Subway without saying, "ummmm".
Tomorrow is Valentines day, a holiday that comes along once a year to remind you that if you don`t have a special someone...I guess your alone.
Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution Bitches Be Trippin
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn`t act the way he wanted.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.