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If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.
I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He`s in a better place now."
I don`t think America should elect a president in 2016. We need to be single for a few years and find ourselves.
Roses are Red Violets are Blue, If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
When someone says “You just made my day,” it makes my day.
I`m starting to think that all those hours in school, when I practiced writing my autograph, was just a waste of time.....
This beer sure tastes like I`m on vacation next week!
It feels like one of them days..... ya know? When you wanna fart and blame the other person for it!
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I`m like, that`s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I`m more fun than I actually am
I`d get lost less frequently if GPS would say "no, your other left."
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.