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What number SPF blocks people?
The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I`m going to drink tonight.
It`s weird how Dora is multilingual at 4 but can`t find the banana tree behind her...
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
I got a free wallet and watch today. It`s like this gun is magic.
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper place mats with puzzles...GAME ON!!
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
My mom told me to follow my dreams. So I took a nap.
Me in a shopping mall: "I like that stuff" *looks at pricetag* "i don`t like it anymore"
My last thought in life will probably be ” I wonder what happens if I touch this?”
Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I`m now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.