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My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
I don`t know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It`s never going to make it anywhere near that.
The path to inner peace begins with 3 simple words....Not my problem.
"Lets all put our phones down and talk with each other.." - Someone who has run out of phone battery.
Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice? The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… to be slowly driven insane by Christmas music.
Family and Friends - I am FAR too busy to listen to any of your problems or concerns *Googles do penguins go to heaven?*
Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.
I would want to change my name to `Nobody` on Facebook. So when someone updates something stupid it says `Nobody likes this`