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It`s pretty cool how vodka always has such `great` ideas.
I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
Haters gonna hate, your honor
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now I’m drunk.
I`m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
6 inch - about right, 7 inch - cant complain, 8 inch - f*cking perfect, 9 inch - a bit much, 10 inch - its hurting my insides, 11 inch - I cant take it anymore, 12 inch - I`m absolutely f*cking destroyed ... Aren`t pizza`s just awesome.
If I owned a pet store Id put a different rat in the turtle cage every night just to see if any of the turtles knew karate the next morning.
Didn`t leave home today. It was too peopley out there.
I wish electronics would scream a little bit when you unplugged them.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store clerk asked to come back soon?
To whoever said “fight fire with fire”: do you actually test your own advice before giving it?
If at first you don’t succeed, you shouldn’t diffuse bombs.
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.