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"Don`t try this at home" encourages people to try it at another`s home instead.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said bet you can`t hit me with a quarter!
If I ever get real rich, I hope I`m not mean to poor people, like I am now.
For most things there’s MasterCard For everything else there’s Vodka
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
I ordered some bubble wrap online. It arrived in a box surrounded by packing peanuts.
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
How do Amish girls know if it`s a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts
I can`t really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I`m your man!
I would of read and liked your status if it wasn`t like 3 pages long.
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
Sometimes I get a little sad and feel like being alone. But then I talk to my dog about it and he reminds me I`m Awesome. Then WE DANCE.