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There is no such thing as bad luck, there is good luck and life!
The real reason I`m not a superhero.... Pockets, I need my pockets.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I`m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"
Sometimes it would be nice if the world had an off switch.
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
Guy tip of the day: To avoid arguments about the toilet seat, use the sink...
I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I`m living in their attic...
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
If you like to make love while listening to music, always choose a live album. ..That way you`ll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes. :)
Whatever Mom, IF THAT`S EVEN YOUR REAL NAME!!!
My boss acts like during March Madness is the only time we`re less productive. Its cute
GF - What`s that beeping? Me - Fasten Seatbelt Alarm. GF - How can you ignore something so annoying? Me - Huh?
Welcome to my bedroom,this is where the magic happens.....and by that I mean this is where I read my Harry Potter books.
I can think of other ways to eat fresh, but I`ll settle for this subway sandwich.