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I`m not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing!!
When you`re out & your cell battery is low: 1) lower screen brightness 2) turn off WiFi 3) crawl under table 4) weep softly til help arrives
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
There’s no “I” in team and coincidentally none in "Go f*ck yourself" either.
I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.
Please no one tell me what happens on the NFL today; I`m still on Season 8.
Studies show that people who want tribal tattoos are directly related to living under a rock
I can’t believe that all these “single ladies in my area” want to meet me, must be due to all the “free Ipads” I’ve been winning.
No one your age has any idea what they`re doing either. No matter what age you are.
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!
I don’t drink to forget about problems. I drink to create new problems that that make the old issues irrelevant.
If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.