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I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Your day sucked, huh? I`m sure Facebook would love to hear about it.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
If I live to be 100, I`m gonna make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people. Like, I ate a pine cone, or drank olive oil every single day...
If two cannibals fight, does that make it a food fight?
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
I can read your mind, your thinking about sex right now, no wait, wait.. that`s my mind, sorry, I can read my mind. . .
I add "Drink Beer" to my weekend to-do list so I know I`ll at least get one thing done.
The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they`re thinking "Why don`t you just eat ALL the food?"
Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.
Im out like a fat kid playing dodge ball
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
It`s like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"