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If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
Thinks that thinking about thoughts of thinking are too thinkable for thoughts to be thought about thinking, I think.
I`m not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
*Gets absolutely nothing done*… Welp time for a break.
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn`t."
My New Years resolution is always don’t die. So far so good.
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.
90% of being a dad is yelling about doors being left open while the air conditioning is running.
I can keep a secret… It’s all the other people I tell it to who can’t.
Ever notice how many friends you have when you pull out a pack of gum?
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?