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When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.
Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.
The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I`m going to drink tonight.
We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
My husband woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on his face. I love Sharpie markers.
Social networking sites is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We`ll see about that.
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
Last night a movie theatre was robbed of $1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a box of milk duds.
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.