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Immature >>> A word boring people use to describe fun people..
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
The only way I`m coming to your wedding is if you get Me a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
You`re not living life right if you don`t get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it`s in.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
A court date is still technically a date, right?
I can’t prove this, but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier, and less tired
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
Given enough coffee, I believe I could rule the world.
Calories? I think you mean delicious points!