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scream outloud and really fast "I won a math debate"
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Just hung a picture. I nailed it.
It`s hard to feel sorry for people when they get what they deserve.
you know you`ve been facebooking too much when you accidentally say "LOL", in person...
Facebook keeps telling me people are following me. But, every time I look behide me there`s nobody there? Why does facebook keep lying to me?
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
Just looked at the price of baby strollers. I think were gonna have an indoor baby.
Just tore the tag off my mattress and there’s nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Its so cold outside I might even post about it on Facebook
I bet the Fantastic 4 were just pretending to have a girl in the group. "Uh yeah she`s just invisible right now. She`s totally real though."