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I`m always surprised how quickly "you`re so funny" turns into "everything is a fcuking joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts...it would be very creepy.
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons!! Enjoy the day
Why do they play this music on the elevators if we`re not suppose to slow dance.
Corduroy pillows?... They`re making headlines!....
I wonder what it feels like to be wrong.
Your a$$ must be jealous everytime sh*t comes out of your mouth.
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
Seems like you must have been pretty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
Coffee eyedrops! Another million dollar idea.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there`s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I`d explain it to you again but I`m fresh out of crayons and puppets
Not to brag, but, I`ve already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.