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Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
St. Patricks day is the only time you can ask somebody in public,"Do you want some green" without you looking suspect.
I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers on high.
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he`s going to the clinic for a `work related` injury.
If you haven`t used your fingers to "expand" a picture in a Magazine today, well then you`re not me.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
Coffee keeps me busy until it`s time to be drunk.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
I`d like to give a shoutout to all the people who are going through an identity crisis, you know who you are... I think.
My mother said, "You won`t amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."
I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster