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I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream.
They say that nobody is perfect, then they say that practice makes perfect. I wish they`d make up their mind
How can you tell if a smurf has the blues?
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
I do take my job seriously; To make sure there are no day old donuts at the local coffees shop.
Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking "Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?"
As your best friend, I swear to always pretend to be your lesbian lover when you are getting hit on by an ulgy ass hole in a bar.
Go to O`Reilly Auto Parts website and type, `121G` in the search bar.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately
What makes fancy green beans fancy?
Can`t they just make a "Poke infinity" button?
I`m glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.
Why must I prove I`m me, if I`m callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!
To settle an argument, think about why you are wrong and why she has boobs.
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.