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...and this right here son is called pornography, and it`s why they invented the internet.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
If I were invisible I`d go beat up a street mime...the applause he would get would be incredible
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
Yes, I dance in my car. Yes, I see you staring at me. No, I do not care.
My nickname is Gilette because I`m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
"My name will live forever!" - Anonymous.
If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
I still sing my ABC’s to see which letter comes first.
I just finish reading "50 shades of gray" by Sherwin Williams. I don`t see what all the hype is about these paint brochures.
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there
I feel like a nickle in the March of Dimes.