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Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.
If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.
I dont think McDonald`s french fries are real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect ... Tasted fine, too.
Never cry over spilt milk. It could`ve been whiskey.
I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I`ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Just as I predicted, today was in fact a new day!
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
I would like to thank you people for letting me know its Friday every week. Its thoughts like this that keep me on Facebook.
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.
Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.
I`m Outdoorsy, as in I like to get drunk and pass out in the yard....
Don`t worry about walking a mile in my shows. Try a day thinking in head.
I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It`s people I don`t trust.