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Do you really know me or am I just an idea that you`ve built in your head?
The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit? Asking for a friend.
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”
“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.
Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
You really are the cat`s pajamas, and by that I mean you`re a stupid idea.
I`m on my 5th coffee, just in case you`re wondering about the "other way" to get to Narnia .
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.