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A Smart car Zoomed past me And vanished into a pothole.
Divorce is expensive because its worth it.
I think I really have an amazing butt. Every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say "what an ass.."
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Just farted in 3 different languages! Thanks, Rosetta Stone!
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
So....if the cup is only half full....I suggest buying a smaller bra
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Gotta thin the herd. – me eating animal crackers
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
How many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I`m trying to take my diet seriously now.
There should be a mercy rule for how many pics a girl can upload from her vacation.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.