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The awkward moment when you’re running and your boobs are bouncing …. and you’re a guy.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son`s love, I sometimes think to myself, "This may be the worst prize ever."
I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.
sorry but your password must contain an "uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin"
I don`t think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated.
have you ever tried waking up in the morning? its horrible, the sun`s the wrong place and your head is so damn heavy.
Eat breakfast: Check...Pay Phone: Check...Conquer the world: Still Pending...
My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
My dad always used to say, "The sky`s the limit!" Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA.
Most problems can be solved with nudity.
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
7 billion people on this planet and I can`t find one who doesn`t annoy the f*ck out of me.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
Family and Friends - I am FAR too busy to listen to any of your problems or concerns *Googles do penguins go to heaven?*