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I don`t ever need to go sky diving or bungee jumping. Leaving a pizza in the oven while I make a quick run to Walgreens is about all the adrenaline rush I can handle.
I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
A penny for your thoughts. Five bucks if they`re dirty.
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I`d been invited to an autopsy.
Its O.K. to laugh during sex … just don’t point ! ... trust me
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they`d lose the alarm and just announce that there`s free food by the stairs.
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two.
Whatever Mom, IF THAT`S EVEN YOUR REAL NAME!!!
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
Happy 4th of July ! ... It`s a holiday. You know what that means... Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.
Me: I`m hungry. Fridge: I don`t give a sh*t. Cabinet: B*tch, don`t look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice? :-)
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"
Somebody just gave me a free air guitar..... No strings attached