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A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
It`s tough being a people person when you can`t stand most people.
Work is the result of failing to procrastinate effectively.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
How to get laid: 1)Lay on bed... Wait 1 hour until lay becomes past tense
Hoodie Footie Pajamas from Pajamagram; because nothing tells a girl you love her like giving her something to cover up her body from head to toe before she gets in your bed.
if ever you need NOTHING, im here for you.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
Is it just me that finds it disturbing that you can accidentally make a baby but you can`t accidentally make a pizza?
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what`s your plan? ;)
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
Testing shows that people in the USA know less about geography than England, Japan and like 100 other countries I`ve never heard of.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn`t seem so bad now.
The Bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an imposter. He never once moved diagonally.
Today I´m going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.