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More food should come with prizes inside it.
People who text back... "kk" ... Are so annoying! ....and almost racist
Facebook: an alternative to drunk dialing.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
?"Oh! Oh! Oh!" Dyslexic Santa
No, whenever there`s trouble, YOU always seem to be around ... officer.
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It`s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
I`m not saying your cat doesn`t care about you, I`m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well.
I`m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand
I made this margarita with my kids` slushie machine ... Don`t judge
I hate waiting until I`m dead. I want to haunt people now dammit.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Im just waiting for the day for Ashton Kutcher to go to Charlie Sheen and say "its stilll your show. YOU JUST BEEN PUNK`D!"
I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red