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A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” would be a terrible way to let your child know that they’re adopted.
Everything happens for a reason. That`s why I drink to everything!
You know you`re up really late at night when you turn on ESPN and 2 white guys are boxing!
Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades........... Wait till summer... Enjoy!
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.
I like dating chicks with kids, because fruity snacks
Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Independence Day.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like "Ugh, tourists".
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
That moment of shame when an automatic door doesn`t open for you