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When`s it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin` up and not gettin` arrested.
I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet ... I get hungry.
If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
There are no bad pictures; that’s just how your face looks sometimes.
I make way more decisions than I should based on the battery life of my phone.
Do bees even have knees?
Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
Smile, it´s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem solver.
If someone doesn`t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don`t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?