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My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to simply ignore you.
I would explain it to you again, but I am fresh out of puppets and crayons.
Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes.
My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don`t think he`d be a good secret agent.
You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. And lime. And shot of tequila.
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
when humans are in love they get butterflys...dose that mean when butterflys are in love they get humans!! :)
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I can`t stand people who use song lyrics in their status` because they remind me of sombody that I used to know
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
I don`t need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!
So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won`t share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is.
How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Alladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn’t be surprised when they misbehave, they get it from their storybooks!