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I put the o in illiterate!
Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.
The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.
its not the up`s and down`s that bring you down...its the jerks!!
Mom said angels are watching over me. I`m just afraid they`re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
You can either agree with me, or you can be wrong.
Is it just me or do mirrors look really sexy?
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down post at night, so far I have: Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
I need something that`s more than coffee but less than cocaine.
If it makes you feel better, don’t call it “Premature Ejaculation.” Call it “Speed Dating”
As long as I remind myself "The b!tch had it coming" is not a valid court defense, I`ll be ok
I am woman, hear me say the opposite of what I mean in that tone that means you`d better do what I meant and not what I said.