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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
I’d like to think I’ve taught Citibank a valuable lesson about handing out credit cards all willy-nilly.
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.
My talent is being wasted, if that counts as a talent.
It`s been scientifically proven that originally there were only five fruit cakes ever made!
I`m not crazy, but I am a carrier.
At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.
I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting ... What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?
Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.