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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
I`m old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
so apparently there is no such thing as a St Patrick`s Santa and I`m not sure whose lap I just sat on at the mall.
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
This is my first lame status of the year. Enjoy!
I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop...
"Bros before hoes" is something a bro without a hoe would say.
Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
Curious that it`s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
What do you mean casual Friday does not mean drink wine and get drunk at work