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My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...
Is it wrong to tell a knock knock joke to a homeless person ?
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
Can you imagine the reactions 25 years ago if you showed someone a photo album of pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they`re stabbing it? No? How about now?
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time."
How do we know that all the ancient Greek sculptures aren`t just victims of Medusa?
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I`m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
This status has been censored by Facebook
My daughter said, "You`re the best mommy ever!" I`m really proud that she`s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Why don`t family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7
I bought 2 fish and named one, “one” and the other “two”, so when “one” dies I will still have “two”.
I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.
Hey, chicks who have words tattooed on your tits... We didn`t come here to read.