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Chocolate is a flavor of milk, and milk is a flavor of chocolate.
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
I would watch tennis more often if they replaced the ball boys with untrained golden retrievers.
Tomorrow, history will be made. Months and months of advertisements and anticipation has led up to this historic day. America will see firsthand what is surely to be a historic event, and I am proud to say I will do my part and pick up my copy of Halo 4.
You make me have filthy thoughts, and for that I thank you...
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
This is the third time someone in Liam Neeson`s family has been abducted, they really need to stop leaving the house.
We need to DETACH from all this technology and live life in the moment. Sent from my iPhone
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
There are people on Facebook who don`t realize the difference between "What`s on your mind" or "I should talk to a therapist about this"
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.
Trail Mix: M&Ms with obstacles
I`m terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.
I try and inspire at least one person everyday to leave me the f*ck alone.