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In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Wanted: Magic hat for a snowman
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
Sign: "No alcohol past this point." Translation: Bet you can`t chug this entire beer, right now.
Holy crap! I just realized that I´m still it from a game of tag in 1987.
I enjoy long walks away from responsibility.
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
Looking forward to `Breaking Bad` merchandise. Especially the cook book.
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
FYI: Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long, if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.