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I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I`ve taken today`s gummy vitamins.
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
Spicy food is like BDSM for your mouth
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there`s really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
I`ve been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat.
Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything
I always stip to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porn starts off.
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?! Yeah, that´s how us guys feel about push-up bras!!
I was told that I had an alcohol problem, but I think me and Captain Morgan have it figured out..
I still sing my ABC’s to see which letter comes first.
"Nothing there? Better bark at it." - my dog
I assume that a Columbus Day sale means I can just walk into a store and take whatever I want.
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.