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Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
Calm down! I`m not officially late until I actually get there.
"..::. :.:.. ::...: .:. :.:: ::.: ..::. :: ::.:..." - Stevie Wonder-
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.
It took Harry Potter 7 damn long books to catch the bad guy. When it only takes Scooby-Doo 25 minutes.
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex.
I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
I read Facebook for the pictures.
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Well, I`m guessing it`s because the other fifty percent can`t afford lawyers.
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."
I’m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than "he sees how creepy u are, that`s why he doesn`t want to shake your hand".