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Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
Sorry for illegally downloading your music, guy who mostly makes songs about doing crime.
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
I`m watching Godzilla tonight.... His parents asked me to babysit
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, can you put it back in and let go? I`m going to need a quick answer for this....
My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Dear God, I´ve been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I haven´t been mean at all, but I´m about to get up now and I may need your help :)
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it`s voice activated. I`m at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number
Most of life is waiting for whatever you`re at to be over.
On a scale of 1-10, I give this day a middle finger.
10 times out of 9, you’ll find me exaggerating about something
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her