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I hate when my girlfriend accuses me of something I didn`t think she knew about.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners.
People say "Happy Thanksgiving" which is nice, but then they ruin it by saying "Don`t eat too much". Do they want me to have a Happy Thanksgiving or not?
I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
People assume when I yawn that I’ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
Life`s tough. It`s tougher if you`re stupid...
when i was little my dad told me that the icecream man only played music when he ran out of icecream well played dad well played
So apparently RSVP`ing back to a wedding invite `maybe next time` isn`t the correct response
Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.
If there`s no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra`s?
Holidays are a lot of fun until you realize you`ve been dating the ugly sister
I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn`t really listening.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else...
Ironman and Batman`s only super powers is being super rich and smart really makes Bill Gates a real disappointment.
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.