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If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying "I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."
Checked a lot off my thought-about-doing-today list.
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar
Facebook- to help future generations discover if there`s ever been any mental illness in the family.
Well I made it through the day without beating anyone with a chair. I`d say my people skills are improving.
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
There are 2 kinds of people I can’t stand: Nosy people, and people who won’t tell me what in the hell is going on.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you`re so stupid
I`m perfect you adjust.
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
I wish real life had as many ejection seats as cartoons.
I`ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.