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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
If every porkshop was perfect, we wouldn`t have hot dogs.
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
Definition of insanity - Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
Shout out to all the ladies at church today in the same clothes from the club last night.
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.
I will probably die as a result of being sarcastic to the wrong person at the wrong time.