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Maybe vodka is addicted to me
I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
Forget drugs and sex. Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
* feels winds of change * realizes it`s just a hole in my shorts
When I found out my toaster wasn`t waterproof, I was shocked!
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
You know what`s beautiful? Read the first word again.
I`m proud to announce that I`m still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don`t know we`re racing.
The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.
FYI: You can buy wedding cake even if there`s no wedding, those suckers don`t even check
I`d love to have kids one day. Two days, tops.
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
I don`t care if you wear footie pj`s or sleep with a Snuggie. If you swish Listerine in your mouth for the full 30 seconds, you are BADA$$.
Getting a text from someone when I`m trying to Facebook is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Chuck E Cheese: Because it`s never too early to introduce your children to gambling and bad nutrition.