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Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
Yeah he`s still bugging me...he thinks Harass is two words.
Ordering a water with lemon says “I’m too cheap to buy a drink, but I still like a little zing.”
If you see someone crying, ask if it`s because of their haircut.
I bet blind people think farts are funnier than deaf people.
I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.
I did a half hour on the treadmill each day last week. This week, I`m up to 1 hour a day. I`m slowly building up to actually turning it on some time in the future.
At Starbucks drive up window. Me: large iced chai please Them: you mean a venti? Me: large iced chai. Them: we call a large a venti. Me: Do you want a large tip or a venti tip? Them: large iced chai, please pull up.
You’ll never be as young as you are now.
Sometime when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
I`m absolutely nailing this "I give a sh!t" face today!
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.
Netflix basically has every movie, except for the ones I actually want to watch.
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?