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Saw my Ex with some guy at a bar last night... so I ordered a beer, took a few sips then gave her date the rest of my drink... Walked away.
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
Now that football season is here, if anyone`s favorite team loses, they can just blame it on Trump.
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
Sometimes, late at night in WalMart, I switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What`s your point?
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Is it so much to ask that everyone who ever wronged me be forced to leave the country and change their identity?
I scratch my a$$ way to much to chew my fingernails...
“Hey baby, do you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.”
I`ve come to the point where I don`t even procrastinate anymore ... I just don`t do it.
When I was a kid “The Server Is Down” meant your waiter was depressed.
I don`t hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.