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When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin` up some poop.
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”
I`m a bad multitasker and even a questionable monotasker
You`re never too old to learn stupid sh!t
why me is me ?
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
Next time a guy says he wants to fight you, just say "not in that outfit!" and roller skate away
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
"I want to marry a smart, rich, and beautiful woman. But I don`t feel like getting married 3 times." - Hesam Ebrahim
If you are going to write in the dust on my car, please dont date it
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.