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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
If you’ve ever used Urban Dictionary to compose or decipher a text, congratulations, you`re over 40.
Who the hell is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
I`m going to buy a new dictionary. After watching Final Destination 5, I clearly don`t understand the meaning of Final.
The right man breaks your headboard, not your heart.
I bet everyone in Gotham prisons really hates the guy that killed Bruce Wayne`s parents.
The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to "watch a movie" is actually watching a movie.
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
If being an a$$hole was a professional sport, my face would be on a box of wheaties.
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
Whenever somebody is murdered, the 1st person the police investigae is the spouse. That should tell you all you need to know about marriage.
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?