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Most problems can be solved with nudity
My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
If you people knew how expensive, time consuming and hard this stalking stuff is you wouldn`t freak out every time you see me in your bushes.....geesh
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren`t going to see me 7 more times before then.
Everytime I see a person jogging I already know they have facebook, everyone on facebook works out.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I made you a cake. I also ate it for you.
Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids. Now I`m older, I like mine in the bottle
WARNING: Every single thing I post from here on in, is alcohol induced.
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.
My Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
If you get pulled over, ignore the cop and tell him that your mommy told you not to talk to strangers.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.