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Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Cheetos so my fingers don`t get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.
Never judge a book by it`s movie.
Ladies, when it comes to stalking, I`m 100% behind you.
If it`s really the thought that counts, we`re ALL screwed. LOL ;)
I think I just discovered Newton’s third law of Emotion: ..... "For every male action, there is an equal and opposite female overreaction."
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!”
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
If the shoe fits . . . buy one in every color
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
Your screenshots of text message conversations tell me: 1. you have a great sense of humor 2. to never trust you
When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes