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Who the hell is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven`t seen for half an hour.
I`m fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don`t think this relationship is going to work.
I recently jumped on the back of my psychologist and started counting...1...2...3 and he was so suprised asking me what I was doing and I answered offendedly: "Well you`re the one who said I could always count on you !"
Some of you ladies need to ease up on the makeup until we get this clown situation resolved.
Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy.
I think that work and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep.
My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.