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Unlike milk, it is acceptable to cry over spilled beer.
The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
What if the lightbulb had never been invented? How would we know when someone has a really good idea?
“But I read somewhere…” -me about to make some sh!t up.
Kid, I can take you out the same way I brought you into this world, by making it look like an accident.
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say `I would do anything for love`. On the back, `But I wont do that!`
When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a transformer.
My “I hate you” face must look a lot like my “I’m loving this conversation” face.
Just shaved my legs for the first time since October...just kidding, it`s not warm enough for that yet.
Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.
If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.
Square box. Round pizza. Triangle slices. I`m Confused.