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I just got gas for $1.79... Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
This woman is so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she’s not wearing a ring. Thanks hun, but wrong finger!
Before having any kids make sure you’re done sleeping and doing things you like to do.
My inner child is a drunken whore
I don`t have issues... I AM an issue
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
I have Beer.
Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
Very productive day today, turd-wise
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? "It`s open."
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives. I`ll decide what is "fresh" and "natural" and "like a real girl" thank you very much.
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.
Apparently “finders keepers” does not include expensive cars in parking lots.