Daily Silly Status

Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.

I`d feel totally comfortable dating a zombie because I`d know she loved me for my brains and not just my body.

My neighbor just spent $237.43 at the vet, that`s $1,662.01 in dog dollars.

Forecast for tonight: Dark.

I did not trip...the floor looked like it needed a hug.

Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?

Trust me ...... I can`t believe I`m still here either.

Its sad that we live in a world that puts words into the dictionary if enough stupid people use it.

A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.

If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it

Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?

Between the coffee and the cocaine, it looks like the mission of Colombia is to wake up the world.

I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...

No need to blind fold me, just hand me my phone and drive, I won`t have a clue how to get back here

Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!