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Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
If it`s true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff
Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now he’s walking around like a sour puss.
I feel like the majority of Eminem`s songs are just him reading from his diary with angry background music.
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
Sorry I liked your status, I was cleaning my phone.
I checked my calendar, and I won`t give a f*ck tomorrow either.
Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year. Spend a little extra for a really good one ... Just tring to help.
I am not judging you...I already decided I don`t like you
Life is funnier when you have a dirty mind. ;)
I copied and pasted your pic of what you ate...and got MORE "likes" than you did. :P
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.