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My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I’m ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
You can test my patience all you want, but I’m never going to pass.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as "that weird thing I did for a while."
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
Next time one of your friends leave their Facebook open, randomly pick one of their friends and like all 973 of their photos.
I`m doing the KFC Bucket Challenge!
Here`s a crazy concept, maybe I`m not in a bad mood, angry, or a bitch. Maybe I said it because it`s true and I meant it. Marinate on that.
Yes, autocorrect, that`s right. I hate that stupid ditch
Advice of the day: Don`t go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it`s not Halloween
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
Won’t go back in my bathroom until spider is gone! Web search for “spider life span” reveals I will be able to shower again in 1 to 2 years.
I like to finish other people`s sentences because my version is better.