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If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.
Do you ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they aren`t talking?
A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you`re angrily chasing him.
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
What a snow day inside with the kids! My one son thought it would be a good idea to fill up the garage freezer with snow to save for later and my other son had an "accident" and peed all over the floor in the bathroom. Youd think they know better at 13 and 15 years old! I probably should stop letting them drink beer in the house.
The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
It really freaks me out that I have a skeleton living inside me......
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!
If running late counted as exercise I would be the healthiest motherf*cker you ever saw
Its better to have loved and lost, then stay with that psyco for one more sec
Naked and Afraid also describes the last time I spent a night at a Holiday Inn
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem